So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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