Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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