My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
