I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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