I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
then he tried to convert me to islam
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
