it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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