either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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