Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
