In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My liver just broke up with me...
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
