If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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