Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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