I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
