If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
