Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
