remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
