so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
