The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I intend to get homeless drunk
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
