i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
