I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
