i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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