She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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