I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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