just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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