Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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