i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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