is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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