Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
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my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
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How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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