im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
