I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
