Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
