I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
