If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
