: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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