Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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