mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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