sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
