Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
