My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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