dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
