If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Let's get the cat blown out
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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