i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
