It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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