The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
