I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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