Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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