LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
