you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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