Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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