It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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