just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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