so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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