Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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