she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
