the condom got lost in my hair
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
