I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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