So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
