I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
