Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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